![]() Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in.Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin.Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working! But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see.You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets.You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for 4 years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?" I would say 4 years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. Why are you stealing a VCR, they don't even make cassette tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo.but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for 3 years.But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree.I don't have a joke for that, yet.Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it." I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it.She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. ![]() You are a sick freak who should be beaten.Butt sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.Just the thought of having another man around the house. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test.I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!".I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing you were poor. The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture.If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. That's the most important joke of the day. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. ![]() You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. ![]() I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer".
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